Posts tagged Woman

1. Never give a woman Any kind of Household appliance or Something That Is going to make “housework” Easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, mops One Of Those THEY advertise on tv That Does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. Allowed One Choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast When You Can at least sit on it DURING spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.) 2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, “honey, I got you That large box of Tide you Have Been Wanting.” “This Windex Should last you a while.” “I got a good deal on the toilet bowl cleaner industrial strength.” All I Can IS say, Be Prepared to run. I Have Faith That if You Would Have at least stopped and Thought About What Would Be a Much more intimate gift, You Would Have Had the sense to spring for the $ 5 Chia Pet You Were eyeing in Kmart. 3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco Which slices or dices, or a set of Ginsu knives. Thesis May Be Used one day as a weapon Against You When you come home with lipstick on your collar After a “night out with the boys.” 4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend They Are For Her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I Bought you.” She Will Have By then put it to Good use by drilling a quarter inch hole Into the side of your skull for Even thinking Would she accept Such A gift blade. After a gift like this, you Probably Will not be around for NEXT Christmas. 5. Any lingerie made of flannel, Such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It Gives Her The Idea That You Do not Consider Her the beautiful woman That she is. Take That wallet out and buy Something Her sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you DID for your girlfriend mistress or Other). 6. No name perfume Which Costs you $ 1. 99, Such as Eu de Toilette, Which Actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy Her perfume, spring for the brand names. 7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It Will Be When She IS quite embarrassing showing off That fabulous diamond to Her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (Actually We test ‘em you know.) Also, now Would not Be a good time to buy Her That set of diamond nipple clamps you Always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and It Could get embarrassing at the New Year’s party When She Decides to show ‘em off to your buddies. 8. Please do not buy clothes Her Because You think for one minute You Have Good Taste in woman’s clothing. Well, Perhaps You Might If You are a transvestite, drank all in all, Believe me, She’ll smile and Say Its beautiful while choking back tears and mumblings Under Her breath, “Were the hell would I ever wear this outfit Without Being Arrested for bad taste? ” An Additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (Even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a Known Fact To The Rest of the World That Is That a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white After Labor Day. 9. Do not Give Her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men know Would better, Especially The Ones Who Have Learned the proper response to “do thesis pants make me look fat.” If you are one of the poor souls Who still does not get it and Purchased a gift like this, Be Prepared for the Silent Treatment for a month. (Although That May Be Something You Would Actually look forward to.) Would Be A better alternative Hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to Get Her Into getting him motivated. 10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on “How Not to Be Nasty Sunday Through Saturday.” These are not Considered gifts, They Are Considered Reasons for Seriously injuring the person and it just Who Bought May stand up in court of law.